Fragility



From as long as I can remember I have lived as a die-hard people pleaser, constantly re-inventing myself to fit in with others, to avoid offense, to win approval and acceptance, to belong. In the process I have lost who I am supposed to be, and I wonder if I will ever be able to make the rediscovery.
It is like a death, a perpetual lostness, a loneliness that never ever really goes away. To have my own perceptions of the world, of God, and of how I am to be relating to both- such ownership is too frightening. If I say “this is who I am” for better or worse, I pray for the better, but fear too much the worse. God may love me, but it is people that I have to interact with- those same people who are supposed to mirror His love in return. It is better to keep my questioning, my searching, my knocking, and my wrestling away from the rest of my life.
I feel like the kid in grade 3 who is afraid to ask “why” for fear of looking stupid, being beaten up in the schoolyard, humiliated by the wise, all-knowing teacher. I don’t know which fruit trees are safe for eating anymore.

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