On the death of dreams.

“Hope deferred maketh the heart sick.” I grow weary of having dreams…only to have them cruelly dashed by the guardians of status quo. It seems that most of the deep down, heartfelt and visceral aspirations that I have ever dared to strive for have been snatched away from me just at the point that I believed I might see them come true. Kind of makes me afraid to ever dream again. Is there a pattern here? My longing for a family, for deep connection, to be a doctor, to be a singer, to be a blessing? All out of reach, all just over the next hill, a hill that never seems to have a summit. My sons, my sisters, my relatives, all remain just as remote. My dream of a career in medicine long since a smoldering heap of ashes and smoke. And now my music, nothing more than an exercise in mediocrity, a delusion. I wonder how long people have had to put up with my substandard intonation…how many teeth have gritted with discomfort while I have blithly warbled on, thinking that perhaps my singing was a blessing. Thankyou Nancy for finally revealing the truth to me. I will pack yet another suitcase filled with the shards of what is left of my broken heart. Naked truth- didn’t someone once say that truth would “set you free”? Free for what?
I guess I am now free to stop pursuing the only activity that has ever poured joy into my soul.

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