Am I softening somewhat? Or is the burden of carrying my son’s sorrow becoming just a bit too difficult to handle? I don’t want to hate anyone, least of all the mother of my grandson. But I am having significant trust issues. Or to put it more bluntly- I don’t trust a thing that I see in my older son’s wife or her family. I live in the outer galaxies of a universe that has been carefully and systematically insulated against all those whose world view seriously challenges the eastern Orthodox/Romanian way of life. I am lonely, isolated, and feel very deeply the sense of estrangement imposed upon me for the last 10 months. I guess if I were to put it into a nutshell, it would be best labelled as ‘deep spiritual and emotional weariness’- that kind of bone gnawing, gut boring grief that is unrelenting in its presence. I fight it with indifference, for to love too much is to appear naked and exposed. Perhaps the baby could receive my love, but to love the baby means that I must also embrace the parents as well. Alas, the child becomes a pawn.
I do not know what the state of affairs is between my son and his wife. Such information is carefully withheld from my ears. I do know that I feel hated, despised, and that any opinions that I may have about anything in the world are held suspect and are open to all criticism. I know too that the stark differences in my relationship with my other daughter-in-law cannot help but be noticeable to all who know me. For she is so easy to love- she wants to be a part of our family. She actually loves us. It constantly brings tears to my eyes.