The gift? of sleeplessness.

OK, I know that too much sleep deprivation can lead to things like psychotic episodes, spelling mistakes, and an increase in gerbil-like freneticism. That being is still hard to let go of those pervasive thoughts- you know the ones- that come barging through consciousness like unwelcome relatives. I wake up with Joshua on my mind, with Matthew, with Mira, and sit here awake attempting to subdue the silent and screaming accusers in my mind. I feel so judged, and am my own worst accuser. From my vantage point of forced wakefulness, I sit in a fog of uncertainty. So many unanswered questions. What does the future hold for our relationship with our grandson? How are we to relate to his mother? It is hard for me to not know. I find my posture reverting back to the old patterns of appeasement. I try to buy my way into my daughter-in-law’s heart, and I am ashamed at my own weakness and insecurity. One part of me wants to just walk away, turn my back to the wall, curl up and die. Another part of me wants to fight tooth and nail for the right to be part of Joshua’s life. What will I be allowed to do? What kind of relationship will I be allowed to have? The old demons of rejection have come flooding in like a torrential antediluvian wave. My enemies surround me like ravening wolves, and they fight for my very soul. Look upon my distress O God, and let your compassion triumph over your judgement.

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