For most of my life I have sat on the fringes. Too afraid to jump into the deep end of the pool. Fearful of my own inadequacy. And yet secretly longing to take risks that just might evolve into success. Wanting to write, and yet all the while wondering if I had anything relevant or worthwhile to share with my readership. No more.
I am now becoming. It does not matter if what I write is read, or cast onto the scrapheap of words discarded. I will fill the screen with worlds of words. And whoever chooses to read them is welcome to enter my dimension.
It is a different landscape from the familiar, comforting, pastoral and predictable scene so lavishly splashed upon the canvas of our medias. Not a Downton Abbey. No wistful back glances at lives lived in a simpler age. My world now interfaces with an ever shifting set of morays. Where the talk of medical-assistance-in-dying is now casually tossed off in everyday conversation. Where life now is a series of commodities, liabilities, assets, and economic black and red. I question whether there is meaning for all, or only for the few who can afford the luxury of searching for it. So many die without hands to hold. And we are living in a generation that is increasingly estranged from traditional family bonds. We construct and deconstruct our communities at will- blood is just as thin as water. And I am left with the one question that I came into the world asking- “are you my mother?”
Are the bonds of family love unbreakable? Or are we all just in the process of becoming? We come into the world learning how to forge deep and lasting bonds of affection, only to have to endure the tearing and shattering of those same bonds through death, abandonment, and countless incarnations of loss. Death by a thousand cuts.
I do not mean to sound grim. I do not feel dejected. I am at a place in my life where there are far more questions than answers, and I am willing to hold them. I have a husband who is the salt of the earth, and so much to be grateful for in the way of friends who have chosen to include us in their lives. And yet, there are some wounds that will never heal. They are integral to becoming.